Eat, Drink and ask for Seconds
HIM: Since there is some focus on
top 10 lists I will take this opportunity to vent. I am a traditionalist when it
comes to food. What drives me crazy about her is that she hates all the main
meals I crave. It’s discouraging to have a chance at these meals on the rare
occasions she prepares them, or at a restaurant, or when the adult children
prepare them and send me well appreciated leftovers. Here is my list in the
order that I crave them...
 |
 |
This ‘old dog’ loves
the ‘old gray mare’
HIM: This past weekend I
accompanied her to a surprise birthday party for one of her friends. On the
drive to Bridgewater I got to thinking about when we were both a lot younger. I
also got to thinking that you could judge the number of years people are married
by how far apart they sit...
|
|
|
Love’s short leash & long reach
HIM: Women have this thing about always wanting
to know where we are. There are times that I’m out of the office for hours.
When I get back and listen to the messages there are lots of them from her...
|
|
|
He’s Got the Body of
Two 30-year-olds
HIM: She and I aren't getting any
younger. We're at that stage where we sit around too much thinking about
what we should be doing rather then doing it. We walk a flight of stairs
and are winded, we drive to Town Hall instead of walk, we use remote
controls for the air conditioner and television, and we carry our phones
around with us...
|
|
|
A Grand Graduation
HIM: Two weeks ago we attended a graduation ceremony. There wasn’t an
empty seat in the house as throngs of people jammed in trying to get a chair
with a view of the makeshift stage where the recent graduates would receive
their scrolled certificates, glance out into the crowd in search of the parents
and relatives that had journeyed from throughout the South Shore for this
auspicious occasion. Flashes were going off from cameras of every make from the
moment the graduates marched in accompanied by the stirring music that typifies
such events. The emotions were rising to a fevered pitch as the names were
called in alphabetical order.
|
|
|
Waiting on her hand
and toe
HIM:
She broke her little toe last week and life will never
be the same. Somehow, while crossing from one room to another, her little
toe on her left foot got hung up on the threshold and just, well... broke.
There is nothing one can do with a broken toe; it has to heal all by
itself. The thing immediately turned all black and blue and hurt just to
look at it. Needless to say, the event has slowed her down.
|
|
|
It's Love by Another Name
HIM:
Women do it all the time and
it makes men nervous and self-conscious. It starts from the time you begin
dating and it follows you right on through marriage. I think they think it's
funny, but it drives guys crazy...
|
|
|
Who's Keeping Score
(February 15, 2004)
I used to think it was just her, until I started talking to other guys about it.
It’s got nothing to do with age, although she got a little closer to 60 last
month. She has a mind like a trap and a memory like an elephant, except when it
comes to this...
|
|
|
The Holidays Just Flu By
(January 15, 2004)
The holidays are over and for that I am grateful. All that hubbub for a few days
is just too much for me. She enjoys it though. She engages herself in woman’s
stuff like making sure everybody got gifts, that all the sizes and colors were
right, that nobody got more then someone else and that her army of friends each
got “something nice.” I become a taxicab during the holidays. She drags be
around the mall, Wal-Mart, up to Hanover, Braintree and all points in between.
She says it’s because she “wants to spend” with me; we could do that staying
home watching the Lifetime channel. If I’m “good” she allows me to wait in the
car listening to a football game. I’ve even figured that out.
|
|
|
The Grinch Runs the Grocery Gauntlet
(December 19, 2003)
Some things never change: they just get worse. I’m
talking about grocery shopping. I actually enjoy shopping, but I prefer to go
alone because she would just drive me crazy, but Thanksgiving taught me that all
women are alike when it comes to grocery store etiquette. I know this will play
itself out again at Christmas, but I need to complain and hear my male brethren
commiserate with me.
|
|
|
Candy Hording & Trick or Treating
(October 2003)
HIM: Well,
terrific, Halloween is just a few weeks ahead. I loved it as a kid, and loved it
when our kids were kids. Either way, we always hooked up with plenty of treats.
Now things are different...
|
|
|
|
Married to the Hired
Help
(September 2003)
HIM:
Oh boy, I’ve got problems. My daughter , who used to work for
me, went part-time and I needed someone to fill in, so I asked you-know-who
if she’d work for me, and unfortunately she said, "Yes." There are days when
I just want to leave, get in my car, and go to another country, or at least
the Hilltop Club. I wish they had cots there because I’d stay.
|
|
|
Alive & Well in Kingston
(August
25, 2003)
I thought this might be a good time to answer a few
questions that readers have expressed to the management of this newspaper A
question frequently asked is if one party writes both halves of the HIM & HER
dialogue. Emphatically, no! I would have to be a bigger fool than she makes me
out to be if I were volleying back at myself. I have some basic ground rules
with her. Being the more intelligent of the two, I always begin each column. She never knows what
the general topic will be.
|
|
|
Food Fights and Take Outs
(July
20, 2003)
It seems the older we get the more take-out
we do. Maybe we just hate to mess up the kitchen with food preparation and don’t
look forward to the cleanup. Maybe we just don’t like to take the time it
requires to cook all those meals. It’s just so much easier to pick up the phone,
place an order and pick it up 20 minutes later…no muss, no fuss.
|
|
|
Main Street Lawn Serpents
(June
20, 2003)
What with all the rain we’ve been having, grass is
growing rapidly around the old homestead. I’m still recovering from shoulder
surgery so goodness knows I can’t do it. She would never forgive herself if I
plodded into such a project and re-injured the rotator cuff. Well, whom does
that leave? You got it… her.
|
|
|
Mother's Day Insurance...
(May 16, 2003)
Mother’s Day has come and gone and I go through the
same thing every year. What do I get for her? What do guys really know about
stuff like this anyway. It’s one of those emotional holidays that mean so much
to women. That’s why men feel so uncomfortable about it.
|
|
|
|
The Worst Part of
Better...
(March 2003) The surgeon said the rotator cuff injury would
only worsen the older I got. God knows I'm already a senior citizen so I
decided to just suck it up and get it over with. Keep in mind, when making
this decision I accepted the fact it was a right shoulder and I'm a righty,
that it was a major tear and would require immobilization, rest and months
of rehab.
|
|
|
The Dog Days of Domestic
Life
(March 2003)
I’ll come home
tired and hungry, spot some food cooking on the stove only to find out it’s
something hot for the dogs. The woman has her priorities confused; a man comes
first, not man’s best friend. I think she should drop everything when I arrive,
slide a meal in front of me, ask how my day went, place the day’s newspaper
beside me and otherwise adore me. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? Isn’t
that why guys get married?
|
|
Duty, Devotion & Discount
Love
(February 2003) I dread Valentine’s Day. I dread any day I have
to buy a card for her. I join this desolate group of men all hanging out
in the card aisle trying not to be noticed. Should I go to the funny
card rack? No. she’d kill me if the verse wasn’t drippy and emotionally
charged. I love reading all those sappy, intimate verses written by a
perfect stranger and mass-produced for the nation.
|
|
Green Monster
in The Living Room
(January 2003) This has got to be the last year that we have a
live tree for Christmas. It seems like such a simple and sensible idea
to get an artificial model…no fuss, no mess. Every year we go through
the same thing. She hounds me to get a tree early. Every year I drag one
inside days before the holiday. Even if I bought it weeks prior, it
seems to sit outside, leaning against the house. I think I just hate to
get stuck with all those prickly branches that invariably get sap all
over your hands and clothes.
|
|
|
Life
is Good, but the devil’s in the details
(December 2002) I get so exasperated with her when she refuses
to do some of the basic tasks generally associated with the human race.
Let me give you some examples…
|
|
|
Soaking-up Philosophy from
a Sponge
(November 2002) When we
were kids it was a special occasion when we went to the movies. Back
then, there was always a cartoon or two as a bonus to whatever was the
feature on the big screen. And boy did we love those cartoons. When
television sets came down in price so one could be in every house, we
had cartoons (in black and white) any day of the week, especially
weekends. We grew up, went off to school, got married and worried about
big people concerns. Cartoons were not a part of our post puberty
program.
|
|
Hourglass Figure? The
Sands Have Shifted
(October 2002) Move over world, it’s diet time again. I have
to endure her dieting stages about every three months. I always know the
tell tale signs; yogurt, cottage cheese and diet soda appear on my
shopping lists...
|
|
|
Love, Memories, and
Leftovers
(September 2002) Our
refrigerator is one of the most interesting objects in our home. It can
be a joy or a complete nightmare. On surface, the function of a
refrigerator is to keep things cold and to keep things frozen. Ours does
both, sometimes interchangeably.
|
|
The 365 Days of Christmas
(August 2002) I know it’s only August but we she has been
gearing up for Christmas since the 26th of December last year. First, it
begins with the "50% Off" sales... |
|
|
The Naked Truth About Cheap Clothes
(July 2002) Men can throw on a pair of shorts or khaki’s,
white socks and sneakers and be ready to attack the day. Women, on the
other hand, take hours to decide what to wear. They even think about it
the night before, how crazy is that?
|
|
The Food Chain's
Missing Link
(June 2002) So maybe I should boil a few sneakers and serve
them with pickled okra. He'd like that. He has the digestive system of a
shark.
|
|
All Thumbs and None Are
Green
(May 2002) I really am not crazy about spring. If there is
one thing I hate it’s yard work. I’m not a handy guy. I was better at it
when I was a young man...
|
|
Opening the Lines to
Miss-Communication
(April 2002) Women and telephones. Men don't have a chance.
We may grow older, we may slow down, but a woman's telephone habits
never change.
|
|
|
Yarning for Perfection Amid High Fiber
Frustration
(March 2002) She’s really pretty low maintenance. Give her a
cup of coffee, a soft couch, 40 skeins of Red Heart yarn and a favorite
charity and she’s as happy as a clam. Making granny squares is a source
of release for her.
|
|
The Wonderful Life of
Clickers...
(February 2002) Boy can she aggravate me when it comes to the
TV clicker. I work very long hours. When I come home I like to relax on
the couch and watch a little television. Is that an unreasonable action?
|
|
Shopping Lists, Devil
Dogs,
and Really Nice Bread
(January 2002)
Is it only me or is this something that
all men have to endure? I’m talking about "lists". She gives me lists
for everything...
|
|
|
Driven to distraction
in the Nervous Breakdown Lane
(December 2001) It’s been quite a few years since I have
complained about her and I certainly have been storing up my
frustration. Let me begin with her car.
|
|
|
